Friday, July 19, 2013

Whaddya Gonna Do About it?

I awoke angry from a dream where I couldn't voice how hard what my life looks like is.  This dream, of course, featured someone who most recently smashed my heart in to a million tiny pieces by noting each and every thing my life lacks.  Not because I didn't try, but because it didn't work- my body didn't support pregnancies, my ex was not who I needed him to be and grad school was just endless. This person threw it in my face that I don't have children, a husband, or a job that makes enough money.  And, these things stung so hard.  Like bitter rocks being swallowed without water.  I vividly was trying to shake them  to make them understand how I have hung on despite not "having it all" and how it has taken active participation in my own well being to survive it all.

Okay, so enough of that...only the aggressor wins when I hand over my power to, in this case, this person.  The research is in- I must take better care of myself, my money and my life.  From the moment I shook myself out of, "holy crap that was a weirda$$ dream, " I thought, "Now what?"  What are you gonna do about it?  While reading the "flash" in BHG, I found an author who helps you get financially fit- hmmm, that might be worth reading. Farnoosh Tarobi- and she is.  I went right to several of the sites she suggests and am working my way to a real savings/debt repayment plan.  I also downloaded Cellfire and Shopsavvy to my Windows phone.  After tracking my budget for two pay periods, I realize the only wiggle room is with groceries. This is no magic pill- there is serious work to be done. (I've also applied to become a therapeutic foster mother too.)  Do you use these apps and do you find them helpful with savings?  I'm going to try them and report back what I learn and save.

On the self care end, I made a smoothie for breakfast, took myself and Ms. Willow for a short jog and will do some yoga at some time today.  What I've learned from this whole dream drama is- yes, I've had some major life disappointments and they have been grieved/may show up as hurts at times, but I am not beaten by them- only wiser.  I do realize forgiving this person is the next step- they  really only reflected back to me what they  may see as what my life is lacking- but those judgements reflect their lack of good will toward me.  Simply put, not a person who shows love in a way I need to accept- when someone is unnecessarily unkind, then it is about them.
Love to you, dear readers!! xoxo

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