Wednesday, July 31, 2013

What happened here? 6/30 Just One Paragraph

I'm so very behind... where did the time go?  Bleary eyed from the whirlwind that was July, I am just gobsmacked... really?  Not ready for August... whoa.  I lost track of time with my Just One Paragraphs, but I'm determined to just keep trying, ya know? In that vein, I'll soldier on and share moments of my day.  Working with children just makes me laugh and fills me up in a lot of ways.  Yes, it can be so very draining at times, but gosh, they just have a way, don't they?  I'd been away from my agency's little camp and when I came back it was just one sweet hug after the other and I found myself seated between two kids I just really vibe with- does that every happen to you?  When you don't have to say anything, but what you said to these young people seemed to matter enough that they risk it by sitting next to you?  Yeah, that sort of vibe.  A certain amount of trust was born with these kids and it feels solid, like they know you're on their side.  They've had such awful times of it and they endure so much it would break your heart.  But, the hugs, ah, the hugs!  Just so dear.  Serendipitously enough, one of the littlest ones saw me in the store and called my name!  I smiled and said, "Hi, Baby!" back, smiled and waved.  You just never know when a dear sweet child will recognize you at your supermarket shuffling out in your sweats to get some coffee. Bright little spot of sunshine she is. :)

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Just One Paragraph- 5/30

Yesterday got away from me, it really did.  In a wonderful and then scary way, time evolved and played out in just the way one can imagine of it happening.  I had a meeting with a professor who has been on my committee since the very beginning- he's never left despite all of the changes.  I was apprehensive in my heart when I reached out- you just never know how people will respond and it has been 2 years since I've been able to or wanted to re-engage academically.  That meeting, though- wow, it went really, really well,  My work was validated, I was seen as the graduate student I've known deep down I was and am.  And, then the planning, talking, dreaming and ideas just flew about like the feathers I collect, but tethered in something, you know?  As if strings were attached because of this man's faith in my intelligence and perserverance. Some days, some conversations- this is all we need- a validation, understanding- (oh my, he told me several times not to apologize for what life has dealt me- brings tears to my eyes feeling that again) and enthusiasm.  I was mentored too and for the first time, it felt truly equal- not a power differential- but, because I've done the work and he knows what I can do- it was on a different level.  Beautiful moments and ones I will savor as I tuck back in to this world over the next few months.  The day ended, however, with me cradling this one above, Willow, - with the vibrant red fur, in my arms as she had two seizures back to back last night.  Very scary stuff for us!  I did learn from a kind doctor at the VT vet school that she most likely has epilepsy.  She slept through the night, was eager to eat cookies (dog treats) instead of her breakfast, and is sleeping near me on the couch.  I hope to learn more from my vet today and find the ways to help her, the poor dear.  All in one day- whew!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Just One Paragraph 4/30- Mountain Home

Last night, a friend and I walked and walked and walked- all over town.  Now, this was no small feat- this is a mountain town.  We just talked, talked and walked and walked with no agenda, no real mileage plan, and no cell phones to call someone to pick us up because we were so weary either. *Snort!*  It dawned on us when our legs were wobbly that one of us might have brought a phone for that reason, but no, not us!!  It's nice though, that rhythm you can get in to with a friend, when you're listening, exchanging small stories and pieces of your day.  Pieces of connection and understanding all while exercising enough to talk to one another.  And, boy, are there some beautiful homes and views of the mountains around here- breathtaking.  I'll promise to take a few shots from the next walk.  Glorious really, like little shots of heaven or what heaven might look like where puffs of arrays of pink, white and blue clouds saturate the sky around dusk.  Breath coming up short as you crest the mountain- again, again and again- the sight of the sky like that just gracing those ancient mountains in the distance is awe inducing.  My mind knows there are bigger mountains out West, more impressive mountains, but these sweet ancient mountains say, "Home," like no other.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Just One Paragraph- 3/30

Walking, talking and vehemently gesticulating (as I am wont to do) earlier this evening on a walk with a friend, I affirmed how in this time and space, I am trusting and observing where things will lead for me.  The things I put effort in to, where my energy radiates and where it is dulled- all of this seems to be coming to fruition.  The things I thought mattered, didn't end up mattering, while the things that have been true and dear to me have thrived.  I paint more now than I have ever painted.  The camera goes with me where ever I go- Dad, thank you every day for this gift of a beautiful phone I carry and document beauty with.   The dream of finishing my work does not die, but I'm truly uncertain of how it will look when it is done.  I filled out an application to be a foster mom- a therapeutic foster mom- difficult work, but I know I could do this well.  Where will all of these tendrils of my heart and intention wind their ways?  Will they tether and root in to the sturdiness of a tree that not only grounds my life, but nourishes it?  What I've learned about myself in so many of these challenges of life is that I am a survivor who wants more than just a paycheck, more than empty praise, and just more- as in many,many moments of wonderment. 

One moment of wonderment came true for me... I wished and wished and tried and tried- and it happened!!  I won a space in this with this amazing warrior woman- Pixie Campbell.  I am so grateful to the Universe for allowing me this space to work with her and a tribe of women gathering in this way. :)  Just in awe... <3

Saturday, July 20, 2013

A journal like no other

I hate to start with a title, mainly because I like to ramble, then tie up the loose ends.  I've joined with Christina Rosalie to write one paragraph for 30 days- so, 30 paragraphs at least.  I like this. It's put me back in to the world of jogging/running (I call it running even though I'm as slow as molasses- it's hot here and I'm older, so there!), and list making.  I used to keep notebooks in Grad School- tons of them.  Filled with ideas, inspiration, shopping lists, reminders of what to grade, write or read- they are fascinating.  These were my favorites with enough color and interest- many pages are blank with a graphic, or with grids.  My mind really enjoyed the changes and I scribbled all sorts of ideas- everything from dreams I'd had, paintings I wanted to paint, mindfulness practices I wanted to learn, yoga, book titles- everything, like my whole life was summed up in what I scratched in those journals.  It's described as a "hipster" journal  on the B& N site, which made me giggle.  I am so not hip!  Oh gosh, and food journalling- so I could lose weight, kick diabetes (yeah, did you know I have the beetus- Type 1.5, found out right after the VT mass murders), stay pregnant --- all that jazz.  I know exactly how many carbs are in a pear- 25- that's a whopper, isn't it?  Looks innocent, but, not so much.  I may have to get another of these just to fill those pages too.  It fits in a purse or backpack- I carry a back pack most of the time- and doesn't take up much room- I've tried a lot of different kinds, but they just don't take.  Moleskines seemed to call to me, but I couldn't justify the price and they were so dull, I couldn't see what the excitement was all about.  Do you carry a journal to jot down the flotsam and jetsam of your life?  What do you carry? 
Thanks again for coming by and do join in with Christina if you are so inclined....;)

Friday, July 19, 2013

Whaddya Gonna Do About it?

I awoke angry from a dream where I couldn't voice how hard what my life looks like is.  This dream, of course, featured someone who most recently smashed my heart in to a million tiny pieces by noting each and every thing my life lacks.  Not because I didn't try, but because it didn't work- my body didn't support pregnancies, my ex was not who I needed him to be and grad school was just endless. This person threw it in my face that I don't have children, a husband, or a job that makes enough money.  And, these things stung so hard.  Like bitter rocks being swallowed without water.  I vividly was trying to shake them  to make them understand how I have hung on despite not "having it all" and how it has taken active participation in my own well being to survive it all.

Okay, so enough of that...only the aggressor wins when I hand over my power to, in this case, this person.  The research is in- I must take better care of myself, my money and my life.  From the moment I shook myself out of, "holy crap that was a weirda$$ dream, " I thought, "Now what?"  What are you gonna do about it?  While reading the "flash" in BHG, I found an author who helps you get financially fit- hmmm, that might be worth reading. Farnoosh Tarobi- and she is.  I went right to several of the sites she suggests and am working my way to a real savings/debt repayment plan.  I also downloaded Cellfire and Shopsavvy to my Windows phone.  After tracking my budget for two pay periods, I realize the only wiggle room is with groceries. This is no magic pill- there is serious work to be done. (I've also applied to become a therapeutic foster mother too.)  Do you use these apps and do you find them helpful with savings?  I'm going to try them and report back what I learn and save.

On the self care end, I made a smoothie for breakfast, took myself and Ms. Willow for a short jog and will do some yoga at some time today.  What I've learned from this whole dream drama is- yes, I've had some major life disappointments and they have been grieved/may show up as hurts at times, but I am not beaten by them- only wiser.  I do realize forgiving this person is the next step- they  really only reflected back to me what they  may see as what my life is lacking- but those judgements reflect their lack of good will toward me.  Simply put, not a person who shows love in a way I need to accept- when someone is unnecessarily unkind, then it is about them.
Love to you, dear readers!! xoxo

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Kind of a Big D Deal

 I've got an idea- it was really like, gosh, I would love to do this. And, I've been thinking about it for a long while.  Since I started working with children in the way back of the 90's actually.  Today, I spoke with a woman where I work who is connected to two children I adore and would love to adopt.  I said how I love them and that I want to adopt them.  She said simply, "Call me."  OMG....Wouldn't this be a change I could embrace with a heart as big as it can get?  I'm afraid to call....but I will.