Monday, August 5, 2013

Just One Paragraph- 10/30 Snoozing

The sound of Willow snoozing on the couch- and her snores wake her up for just a minute, an eye rolls slightly open to look at me and then she settles back down.  Legs kick back and forth at times, sighs emanate in exhaustion or disgust, who can tell?  She slumbers on most times unabated unless there is a sudden noise.  Then, her body goes rigid and the alert barking begins.  Protective, talkative and a friend, I found myself explaining to a former student who moved in below me how she might hear this sort of yowling talking coming out of my apartment.  The former student was nonplussed and said she was familiar with dogs, however, she has yet to hear the sounds this dog makes.  A whirlwind of a day, I find myself sitting here typing after creating in my sketchpad for my e-course with Pixie and the amazing journeying questers I've joined.  So relaxing to just play with color- my mind, soul and heart crave it so.  Another late night-- these things seem to be happening more and more.  Night is beginning to beckon me into it's mysteries, but I must snooze heartily like this dear dog curled up breathing deeply in her dreams.

Capturing the Light/ Just One Paragraph 9/30

  We walked, Willow and I, in to the gloaming and floated out with the distant mountains black against turquoise-fading-to black skies.  Indigo framing the tall Southern pines, the quiet except for chirping of crickets, cicadas and a lone dog.  Exhausted puppy now curled up on the front seat all eagerness of hiking drained from her safe in the car.  One route explored for another time had huge gravel unlike any I'd ever seen, so new adventures await us as long as we engage a 4x4 owner to join us.  Instead, these were familiar grounds which is like being welcomed back home again.  The same worn paths, sights and sounds at a different time of day make for new experiences.  A goal emerged of wanting to document some of these summer sunsets before August ends. And so it begins.  What were some of your intentions/goals for August?

Friday, August 2, 2013

Yes, I'm feeling a bit like this fellow here....ahem.  Where did the summer go?  And, yeah, I'm still on this!  I feel like the sensuous bits of summer I revel in somehow got misplaced.  Where was my dripping cone of berry flavored ice cream?  What about my dip in the watering hole?  Geez, instead I spent my time just soooo tired from my work.  Not the way I intend to spend August.  In the past, by the third week of this usually blazing month, my university would begin and I'd be caught up in that ruckus with my head down until December nearly.  Lately, I've been hopping in to schools with our youngest little people with new pencils, books, school clothes and an eagerness I resonate with.  But, aha!- this month we have the whole glorious month, just like we did when I was a kid - oh glory day!!  Here's my list of Intentions for this month so far and since I want to add in some spontaneity, I'm leaving open space just for that.
* Ride a horse in to the water to cool off and saunter.
*Paint with Pixie and journey alongside new virtual sisters and a brother! Aho!
*Run regularly with Willow, my doggie, in the early mornings so we can continue this trend through the school year.
*Have another fire-pit with friends with wine, laughter and a few G&Ts with lotsa limes in mason jars.
*Moonlit walks by myself or with a new love- wouldn't that be nice?
*Picnic by the stream with jam on bread.
*Waterhole swimming.
*Ice cream on a crunchy cone dripping with berry sweetness down my arm.
*Sweet little retreats to nearby towns filled with adventures and no plans.
*Venturing in to a writing schedule fueled with certainty of purpose for the dissertation.
*Exploring the world of duct tape crafting.
*Purchasing a new to me bike and getting a basket for it to travel in to town.

What are your intentions for the loveliest of summer months, August?  Thanks, Christina for nudging this list out of me. :)

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Trying to Catch Up 7/30 Just One Paragraph

Achy, agitated, grumpy and uncomfortable I fight off a cold or infection again this year.  The number of times I have been ill or have been dealing with some out of sort body thing is kind of high.  Is this a sign of aging? Or, just that ever present press to slow down?  Maybe a little of both?  I was deeply stressed about finishing my work on time this month, about meeting with a professor I was not altogether sure about, and just adrift in my exercise routine.  Two mornings I jogged with my dear pup and three days later a cold is lurking on the edges.  Unseasonably cool weather has wafted it's way in to our mountains and while it is what I thrive more in, it is weird and out of place.  77 degrees as our high is just not how it is in southeastern Virginia in August.  Summer feels as though it has slipped away from me like a fish twists and turns out of my awaiting hands after being reeled in.  Immersing myself in Summer was hard with a new to me job and the pressures that can bring.  Add to that mix the need to engage in another world - academia - again, and it's no wonder I may be succumbing to a nasty bug.  As I blew in and out of the grocery store last night I spied a close- out deal on Lemon Mint tea for a dollar- yes, a dollar- I love a sale.  This body of mine must have synched my eyes to find this treasure and today I've sipped a lot of it hoping to heal this raw sore throat.  Soon, I tell myself, soon I will be well enough again.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

What happened here? 6/30 Just One Paragraph

I'm so very behind... where did the time go?  Bleary eyed from the whirlwind that was July, I am just gobsmacked... really?  Not ready for August... whoa.  I lost track of time with my Just One Paragraphs, but I'm determined to just keep trying, ya know? In that vein, I'll soldier on and share moments of my day.  Working with children just makes me laugh and fills me up in a lot of ways.  Yes, it can be so very draining at times, but gosh, they just have a way, don't they?  I'd been away from my agency's little camp and when I came back it was just one sweet hug after the other and I found myself seated between two kids I just really vibe with- does that every happen to you?  When you don't have to say anything, but what you said to these young people seemed to matter enough that they risk it by sitting next to you?  Yeah, that sort of vibe.  A certain amount of trust was born with these kids and it feels solid, like they know you're on their side.  They've had such awful times of it and they endure so much it would break your heart.  But, the hugs, ah, the hugs!  Just so dear.  Serendipitously enough, one of the littlest ones saw me in the store and called my name!  I smiled and said, "Hi, Baby!" back, smiled and waved.  You just never know when a dear sweet child will recognize you at your supermarket shuffling out in your sweats to get some coffee. Bright little spot of sunshine she is. :)

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Just One Paragraph- 5/30

Yesterday got away from me, it really did.  In a wonderful and then scary way, time evolved and played out in just the way one can imagine of it happening.  I had a meeting with a professor who has been on my committee since the very beginning- he's never left despite all of the changes.  I was apprehensive in my heart when I reached out- you just never know how people will respond and it has been 2 years since I've been able to or wanted to re-engage academically.  That meeting, though- wow, it went really, really well,  My work was validated, I was seen as the graduate student I've known deep down I was and am.  And, then the planning, talking, dreaming and ideas just flew about like the feathers I collect, but tethered in something, you know?  As if strings were attached because of this man's faith in my intelligence and perserverance. Some days, some conversations- this is all we need- a validation, understanding- (oh my, he told me several times not to apologize for what life has dealt me- brings tears to my eyes feeling that again) and enthusiasm.  I was mentored too and for the first time, it felt truly equal- not a power differential- but, because I've done the work and he knows what I can do- it was on a different level.  Beautiful moments and ones I will savor as I tuck back in to this world over the next few months.  The day ended, however, with me cradling this one above, Willow, - with the vibrant red fur, in my arms as she had two seizures back to back last night.  Very scary stuff for us!  I did learn from a kind doctor at the VT vet school that she most likely has epilepsy.  She slept through the night, was eager to eat cookies (dog treats) instead of her breakfast, and is sleeping near me on the couch.  I hope to learn more from my vet today and find the ways to help her, the poor dear.  All in one day- whew!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Just One Paragraph 4/30- Mountain Home

Last night, a friend and I walked and walked and walked- all over town.  Now, this was no small feat- this is a mountain town.  We just talked, talked and walked and walked with no agenda, no real mileage plan, and no cell phones to call someone to pick us up because we were so weary either. *Snort!*  It dawned on us when our legs were wobbly that one of us might have brought a phone for that reason, but no, not us!!  It's nice though, that rhythm you can get in to with a friend, when you're listening, exchanging small stories and pieces of your day.  Pieces of connection and understanding all while exercising enough to talk to one another.  And, boy, are there some beautiful homes and views of the mountains around here- breathtaking.  I'll promise to take a few shots from the next walk.  Glorious really, like little shots of heaven or what heaven might look like where puffs of arrays of pink, white and blue clouds saturate the sky around dusk.  Breath coming up short as you crest the mountain- again, again and again- the sight of the sky like that just gracing those ancient mountains in the distance is awe inducing.  My mind knows there are bigger mountains out West, more impressive mountains, but these sweet ancient mountains say, "Home," like no other.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Just One Paragraph- 3/30

Walking, talking and vehemently gesticulating (as I am wont to do) earlier this evening on a walk with a friend, I affirmed how in this time and space, I am trusting and observing where things will lead for me.  The things I put effort in to, where my energy radiates and where it is dulled- all of this seems to be coming to fruition.  The things I thought mattered, didn't end up mattering, while the things that have been true and dear to me have thrived.  I paint more now than I have ever painted.  The camera goes with me where ever I go- Dad, thank you every day for this gift of a beautiful phone I carry and document beauty with.   The dream of finishing my work does not die, but I'm truly uncertain of how it will look when it is done.  I filled out an application to be a foster mom- a therapeutic foster mom- difficult work, but I know I could do this well.  Where will all of these tendrils of my heart and intention wind their ways?  Will they tether and root in to the sturdiness of a tree that not only grounds my life, but nourishes it?  What I've learned about myself in so many of these challenges of life is that I am a survivor who wants more than just a paycheck, more than empty praise, and just more- as in many,many moments of wonderment. 

One moment of wonderment came true for me... I wished and wished and tried and tried- and it happened!!  I won a space in this with this amazing warrior woman- Pixie Campbell.  I am so grateful to the Universe for allowing me this space to work with her and a tribe of women gathering in this way. :)  Just in awe... <3

Saturday, July 20, 2013

A journal like no other

I hate to start with a title, mainly because I like to ramble, then tie up the loose ends.  I've joined with Christina Rosalie to write one paragraph for 30 days- so, 30 paragraphs at least.  I like this. It's put me back in to the world of jogging/running (I call it running even though I'm as slow as molasses- it's hot here and I'm older, so there!), and list making.  I used to keep notebooks in Grad School- tons of them.  Filled with ideas, inspiration, shopping lists, reminders of what to grade, write or read- they are fascinating.  These were my favorites with enough color and interest- many pages are blank with a graphic, or with grids.  My mind really enjoyed the changes and I scribbled all sorts of ideas- everything from dreams I'd had, paintings I wanted to paint, mindfulness practices I wanted to learn, yoga, book titles- everything, like my whole life was summed up in what I scratched in those journals.  It's described as a "hipster" journal  on the B& N site, which made me giggle.  I am so not hip!  Oh gosh, and food journalling- so I could lose weight, kick diabetes (yeah, did you know I have the beetus- Type 1.5, found out right after the VT mass murders), stay pregnant --- all that jazz.  I know exactly how many carbs are in a pear- 25- that's a whopper, isn't it?  Looks innocent, but, not so much.  I may have to get another of these just to fill those pages too.  It fits in a purse or backpack- I carry a back pack most of the time- and doesn't take up much room- I've tried a lot of different kinds, but they just don't take.  Moleskines seemed to call to me, but I couldn't justify the price and they were so dull, I couldn't see what the excitement was all about.  Do you carry a journal to jot down the flotsam and jetsam of your life?  What do you carry? 
Thanks again for coming by and do join in with Christina if you are so inclined....;)

Friday, July 19, 2013

Whaddya Gonna Do About it?

I awoke angry from a dream where I couldn't voice how hard what my life looks like is.  This dream, of course, featured someone who most recently smashed my heart in to a million tiny pieces by noting each and every thing my life lacks.  Not because I didn't try, but because it didn't work- my body didn't support pregnancies, my ex was not who I needed him to be and grad school was just endless. This person threw it in my face that I don't have children, a husband, or a job that makes enough money.  And, these things stung so hard.  Like bitter rocks being swallowed without water.  I vividly was trying to shake them  to make them understand how I have hung on despite not "having it all" and how it has taken active participation in my own well being to survive it all.

Okay, so enough of that...only the aggressor wins when I hand over my power to, in this case, this person.  The research is in- I must take better care of myself, my money and my life.  From the moment I shook myself out of, "holy crap that was a weirda$$ dream, " I thought, "Now what?"  What are you gonna do about it?  While reading the "flash" in BHG, I found an author who helps you get financially fit- hmmm, that might be worth reading. Farnoosh Tarobi- and she is.  I went right to several of the sites she suggests and am working my way to a real savings/debt repayment plan.  I also downloaded Cellfire and Shopsavvy to my Windows phone.  After tracking my budget for two pay periods, I realize the only wiggle room is with groceries. This is no magic pill- there is serious work to be done. (I've also applied to become a therapeutic foster mother too.)  Do you use these apps and do you find them helpful with savings?  I'm going to try them and report back what I learn and save.

On the self care end, I made a smoothie for breakfast, took myself and Ms. Willow for a short jog and will do some yoga at some time today.  What I've learned from this whole dream drama is- yes, I've had some major life disappointments and they have been grieved/may show up as hurts at times, but I am not beaten by them- only wiser.  I do realize forgiving this person is the next step- they  really only reflected back to me what they  may see as what my life is lacking- but those judgements reflect their lack of good will toward me.  Simply put, not a person who shows love in a way I need to accept- when someone is unnecessarily unkind, then it is about them.
Love to you, dear readers!! xoxo

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Kind of a Big D Deal

 I've got an idea- it was really like, gosh, I would love to do this. And, I've been thinking about it for a long while.  Since I started working with children in the way back of the 90's actually.  Today, I spoke with a woman where I work who is connected to two children I adore and would love to adopt.  I said how I love them and that I want to adopt them.  She said simply, "Call me."  OMG....Wouldn't this be a change I could embrace with a heart as big as it can get?  I'm afraid to call....but I will. 

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Revelations through Journey Work

Since discovering my HSP nature, I've found virtual circling and journeying to be ideal for me.  And, if I cannot meet at the scheduled time, I can partake of the recording at my leisure.  While there is something so powerful about participating in live events with people, this alternative has been really working for me as of late, so I'm going with it. 

Each of the 7 events of Journey with Pixie Campbell held something special for me, but the last two brought especially strong medicine with them. 

The sixth chakra, which signifies Intuition, brought messages from past losses urging me to open to love.  That loving for the sake of doing so was freeing so much more than the holding pattern I've been in.  Just allowing it for the hell of how satisfying it feels without concern for return.  Unconditional love for others... yes, it's a concept I've known about, have felt, but in recent years, had to quell.  My heart had been devastated by these losses- two miscarriages back to back and the end of a ten year relationship with someone I had given my heart to.  It all nearly crushed me. To pieces.  And, sometimes there is still more healing to do. Like when my throat chokes up with the idea of deserving love again.  I've been softening in to that feeling- what does it have to tell me and is that true?  Lots of important work going on here that I felt compelled to share.  And, in this vision/journey- opening of the soul, if you will- a white buffalo kept charging me from the left.  She would charge and then veer off again and again.

The second and final time of Journey with Pixie focused on the seventh chakra - where we commune with the divine.  I was held by Inana, just held peacefully and securely.  Through this being held by the Goddess, I knew my voice, my truth and my purpose was connected to divinity.  But, that the way in was my vulnerability.  When I speak from intention, aligned with what I know to be true, and honor my humanity, I am connected.  It was beautiful, healing and something I've known within myself, but until then didn't acknowledge,.. really.  Instead, I would brush it off with rationalizations and not good enough statements.  But, it's true.  And, I saw a large white snake- my Upper world is white it seems. 

I searched for copyright free images to share of the Journey archetypes shared with me, but they just didn't ring true for me, so I think I will be planning paintings of them.  Hopefully, upon completion, I can share them with you. 

Have you ever done Journey work?  What did you learn by doing it?  Thank you so much for reading about these experiences and honoring my space with your presence.  Xo

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Pilfered Pretties

Yes, officer, I am fully admitting to "stealing" or borrowing these beatific flowers.  But, it's not my fault- they were calling to me, "Pick me, pick me, I will look so lovely in your little apartment-  together we'll really brighten the place up." No, really that's what they said.  It's not my fault you cannot hear nature, sir. 

These are just making me smile now.  And, the scent of peonies is one of my favorites.  I deliberately put my face in these peonies just to linger in their wonderfulness. (Even though I risk allergy face- eyes watering, nose running- yes, that face. ;))  Yes, it's all about the whole experience.  I wish I had smell o- vision for you so you could smell them too.  Divine.  And, yes, stolen!

But, they make my day happy and that's what matters- and unfortunately, for those that care about stolen flowers from a seemingly abandoned house, it will not stop.  I am planning on culling more of these beauties just for JOY.  I've known for a while that joy is something I want to experience more of - so , this is where I've started.  Self-love, joy, and putting myself first are things I've struggled with in the past, and well, hell -in the daily. (I'm fairly sure you all do this too to some extent.)   E of Squam amazingness does this with the world to share self love and I think it rocks!  I just have to get more comfortable, (skilled?) at taking selfies and I hope to share with a sassy photo next time.  (Forgive me, I really like the word "sassy" for some reason.)  And, another new kindred friend is offering this e-course, True Center.  Talk about learning from a magical creatrix- whoa!!  I've also been grounded, awakened and at home in my body with this divine presence as of late and the practice really opens up my days.   I can access my own loveliness when pressed by daily issues much more readily and that is a gift.  What are you doing to cultivate self- love?  And, remember, I have no judgments about stolen flowers at all-- in fact, I kind of encourage it. ;)  Off to fetch some more "presents" from Nature!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Crestfallen at my own personal sadness.  Gosh, I could almost see myself in that house.  And, it's not Willow's fault she's so damned protective of me.  I've been through a lot- "more than a body should bear," as my colleague said.  I really wanted to live in that sublime place.  It's so overwhelming to live in a space where noise reverberates up your walls and your mind pounds all night to music- angry music.  It had a view of the surrounding farms with light, space and openness- with a landlord who creates art.  I love to create art.  Just sad.

Tears just flow tonight.  And, come to think of it, they flow around April 16th every year.  I don't know if the events today and last Friday are linked psychically to that event now 6 years past, but it sure feels that way sometimes.  When did people get so entitled to take their rage out on others?  Is it because we rarely allow ourselves to really feel things?  Because we're too cool, too un-bothered, too sophisticated to feel legitimate emotions.  Maybe I have no idea.  But, as a witness to so much pain and suffering, I have to say it's a big part of it. 

That's what expression is for- for releasing how you feel about things in a constructive way.  I just wish the anger would burn away, because underneath it, I think people are just scared.  Scared of being normal and imperfect. 

Going to the woods and listening to the stream burble by or the wind blowing soothe me.  I know Willow is happier out in the woods.  Certainly she wasn't happier meeting the other dog today at the busy PetSmart in town.  Yeah, she's not THAT dog- she's the other dog.  Protective of me, tough because that's just how she is and honestly, sweet.  Her element, like mine, is outside.  Maybe that's what so many people are missing- a connection to Nature.  Nature who soothes, heals and nurtures.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Circling Magic

No, this is not a personal picture, it's one I found of the Crystal Coast where I lived nearly 20 years ago.  I've had a longing to go back to this place, to wander on the beach at Fort Macon where the warm breeze caresses your cheek as you pick up yet another perfect seashell and the dolphins swim by.  It's been a deep longing for a while now, but I'm not quite sure how I'll get there yet.  Maybe this is where I"ll spend my spring break or early summer trip.  Breathtaking in it's simplicity, I do have fond memories of this space.

I wanted to share how I found some more healing... that's what part of my journey has been in an online, yes online, women's ritual circle hosted by dear Athena.  It was a circle focusing on Love.  And, I've had difficulty with Love, like a lot of us.  I found myself journeying with the group and tears were shed with thoughts of the love I had for the babies I lost. Miscarriage is a whole other thing for an old broad like me.  But, on this journey I felt the love I had for these souls grow larger and the trust that my mother, who died 13 years ago now is linked to these souls.  They are not alone, but with my mother and other loving souls int he beyond.  These were unexpected visions amidst deep feelings about how much love I have to give still.  My heart was focused on Opening as Athena suggested and with that I know the future can hold any sort of miracles.  First, these souls lost to me still needed grieving and I am grateful for the chance to hold them in the light with those in the light already. 

I highly recommend you joining Athena's next month if you are at all curious.  I used to circle with a live group, but I find this equally powerful me at this stage in my spiritual journey.  Oh, and Athena pulled individual cards for many of us linked to the type of lover each of us is.  She pulled the Magician for me.  Hhhmmm, things might be looking up in the romance department!  And, yes, the relationship I began the new year with has ended- a brief, bright thing, it was not the match for me.  He's a dear soul though and I feel sure he'll find his true soulmate as I will find mine.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

 A new year,  a new job, and a new relationship- whew!!  I am giddy about all of these changes!  With the giddiness comes some fear and trepidation.  Which is all human and expected from a girl who had much to heal around both of these issues.  Sometimes caution comes in and asserts herself which is my intuition and wise self taking care to be kind to myself.  Learning to honor this has been a process and continues to this day.
  When I had plans with NBF this Friday, I balked, not from lack of wanting to be with him, but more from exhaustion and overwhelm.  I literally could not envision doing more than sitting on my couch or curled up in bed reading a magazine.  And, so that was what I did Friday night.  It was a balm and his response to my begging off was just perfect and caring- that he was okay if I felt better by taking care of myself.  Whoa...this girl is not used to be cared for this way.
   The magazine I indulged in- I work with children, so my rewards are not exactly worldly- was this one.  Where Women Create.  Three artists/ designers were listed on the cover who I have followed since 2005/2006 or so and my soul cried out, "Buy this!"  I dithered on whether or not to really purchase it as any country mouse would do, but in the end I walked out with it (discounted for the fold in the front- oh yeah). Kelly Rae Roberts, Anahata Katkin,Magnolia Pearl, are the magical artists I've followed for years- aren't they magical, each in their own unique way?  They inspire me and allow me to dream of art, creativity alighted and more.  I love and have so many favorite artists!!  In fact, I was talking to J., my NBF and I said, "Anahata is my favorite artist." And he said, "But, I think you have more than one favorite, yes?"  And, I laughed, because I do.  Artists, photographers, designers, stylists and more... keeping me immersed in beauty.  I plan on sharing each treasured artist here in time, but for now if you feel the same, do delve in to these worlds of beauty through this magazine or just through each woman's place on the internet.  I know I do. :)

Here's some of my art inspired by these other artists and from within my own muse's wanderings.