I struggle to make sense of the violence experienced in the halls and around Sandy Hook Elementary School. Pain and sorrow grip my heart again and again. Having been forever changed by the tragedy that was my school, VT, the enormity of this horror hits me directly in my soul. So much about this massacre roils my stomach, sends my head spinning and tears at my heart. And, I don't watch the television- no news at all, only FB. I cannot take it all in, not because of indifference, but because of how it actually hurts.
I left VT and my studies due to domestic violence and the abject poverty it sent me spinning in to. I also landed a job working with children again at around the same time as all of that was happening. And, I was thrilled to be around children throughout my days. This is where my heart lies. Not only in books, art, yoga and all of those lovely things; but with children. The loss of those bright lives in Sandy Hook and the images I have in my mind of what that must have been like are too awful to dwell upon. Children- I shake my head with grief at the losses and my whole body is engulfed in sadness.
Tomorrow, the day will bring questions from the children with whom I work. They will want to know more or they will know more than I am able to bear, (about the gun, the shooter and more). And, I will say how I bore witness in my own community at VT and how it has changed the woman before you. That, it was and is a tragedy worth asking questions about, a horror to never be repeated, a grief shared with all of us, and I will teach them how to hold those children and their teachers in their hearts with love. Knowing what I now know, this is how to give something of meaning while fraught with soullessness in the world~ to bring back love in how we talk about horror. It beats back the fear and it is what we have in all of this.