Sunday, December 16, 2012

Sandy Hook Elementary

  I struggle to make sense of the violence experienced in the halls and around Sandy Hook Elementary School.  Pain and sorrow grip my heart again and again.  Having been forever changed by the tragedy that was my school, VT, the enormity of this horror hits me directly in my soul.  So much about this massacre roils my stomach, sends my head spinning and tears at my heart.  And, I don't watch the television- no news at all, only FB.  I cannot take it all in, not because of indifference, but because of how it actually hurts. 
    I left VT and my studies due to domestic violence and the abject poverty it sent me spinning in to.  I also landed a job working with children again at around the same time as all of that was happening.  And, I was thrilled to be around children throughout my days.  This is where my heart lies.  Not only in books, art, yoga and all of those lovely things; but with children.  The loss of those bright lives in Sandy Hook and the images I have in my mind of what that must have been like are too awful to dwell upon.  Children- I shake my head with grief at the losses and my whole body is engulfed in sadness. 
      Tomorrow, the day will bring questions from the children with whom I work.  They will want to know more or they will know more than I am able to bear, (about the gun, the shooter and more).  And, I will say how I bore witness in my own community at VT and how it has changed the woman before you.  That, it was and is a tragedy worth asking questions about, a horror to never be repeated, a grief shared with all of us, and I will teach them how to hold those children and their teachers in their hearts with love.  Knowing what I now know, this is how to give something of meaning while fraught with soullessness in the world~ to bring back love in how we talk about horror.  It beats back the fear and it is what we have in all of this. 

Saturday, December 1, 2012


     Creating this space armed with unearthed information regarding my HSP nature brought me joy today.  Awakening before planned, the flitting about, creating, moving, dusting and futzing began.  Oh wow, I wasn't sure futzing was a word!  I totally expected a red underline telling me, duh you can't spell, but no..., interesting.  Anyhow, this went on for hours all to Willow's chagrin as Saturday mornings are usually "her" time.  Sorry, lovable pup, it was all about this space and culling through old Christmas ornaments and such to decide which my heart had to have and which were ready to travel on.  Ever since the journey of HSP began for me, this culling has had to happen each weekend.  It truly brings bliss to my soul to have soothing and warm spaces.
     Only now am I realizing I didn't document the other side of my bed.  I will plan to share the other side next time.  And, this is during the day, at night there are little LED snowflakes as my headboard- yippee!!  A night time "shoot" is planned for sure.
     So, details, the print on the white chair is from Misty Mawn, she gifted me with this amazing original last Christmas and it is treasured every day.   The picture on the wall is one purchased at a New Age shop in Boone, NC and it just soothes me- the image is of a person meditating into bliss. The frame is one I used for an art show I had in 2010 at the Jacksonville Arts Center.  I was honored to have my work shown with other new artists that summer.  A fancy fluttery shutter dress was worn for the occasion too. Ah, it was wonderful to be at an "opening."  Giddy experience, truly.
      Here is my tribute to nature, books and magic.  The delightful artwork is one bought for myself last year, I think and it's a Sabrina Ward Harrison work.  A piece of fun, lightness and color- it is beloved.  The link I found highlights her colorful and creative home in Silver Lake- she weaves her artistic soul in to the entire space.   The iridescence fairy was one my mother bought me when we lived in New Bern, N.C.  Admiring the little gem as we walked by a shop in the downtown area, I sighed about the price and quickly forgot about it.  Only to receive it as a surprise days later.  Mom was special that way. The sticks, feathers, bird's nest (it's a full  mud nest), candles and other items on the top were all collected on walks nearby except for the sea glass found up in Plattsburgh, NY when visiting my dear friends, George and Stephen. The books are all ones I love too- not all have been read- that's how I roll.  I just have to have some of these near me I find.  The glass star is filled with crystals and gemstones with intuitive cards nearby.  The funky mug in the upper right hand corner has been with me for several years- it was made by an artisan of Floyd, VA- love Floyd!
     Oh gosh, I have to shower and get a move on... dawdling, futzing Saturday- goodness!!  More to come later- thanks for stopping by!  And, I wonder, do you have these futz-y/renovating days?

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Happy Solitude

I spent Thanksgiving week by myself- well, Willow was with me, so not completely alone.  And, it felt weird, a bit sad and uncomfortable.  I set off for a run in the morning with wild Willow- it was a sunny and warm day, so I figured, why not?  I've been getting back in to running again due to some changes with my workout classes.  It was beautiful.  Then, I went home and decided to do some yoga and meditate a while.  Through the meditation, or quieting of my mind, I heard, "You need to serve more.  You need to be who you've always been again." 

When the mind quiets and a message comes through, well, I now know to really listen.  My assignment for Thanksgiving was to delve in to the things/ people I love more.  Not to stand on the sidelines waiting.  Children, elderly people and dogs are all part of me- love being around all of them.  Through the internet I found some volunteer options and just called around on Wednesday.  I downloaded applications to volunteer and made appointments to meet people.  And today, I'll be visiting the nursing home and helping out with their crafting time.  Perfect!!  I love to craft and be around the elderly.

I also delved deep in to Oprah's Super Soul Sunday programming- I found it uplifting and full of messages I needed/ wanted to hear.  Have you ever watched any of these shows?  I'm addicted.  Books have been jumping out at me too- a biography of Crazy Horse, The Highly Sensitive Person, Yoga Cures, and this one by Michael Singer.  All are currently being read or on the list of "to reads." And then-   a magazine leaped out at me while I was Barnes and Noble, so I had to get that too-- I'm sensing a theme here, hmmm. :)

Oh, and I finally made a DIY project that I will reveal at a later time- it's a present for the holidays I've longed to make and they are done!  Went and made a whole bunch of them. :)

A poem came to me summarizing some recent struggles I've been dealing with while on a run on Thanksgiving... here it is...

Though my shoulders seem bowed under the weight of scrutiny, blame and judgment,
I am undimmed as values, truth, and love guide me.

Much love to you all - gosh, this could have been a downer post, but it turns out I've been a productive and happier person for my solitude. xoxo

Monday, November 5, 2012

As the Path Leads

 My morning ritual as of late involves waking at an ungodly hour to type notes in to an online system.  When I finish with that bit of loveliness, I pull out my art supplies and go to town on a mixed media journal I picked up while visiting my friends, George and Stephen in upstate NY- Stephen had a coupon- gotta love a coupon.  Anyhow, I spend as much time as I can just writing and drawing or making a collage- whatever I want to do that day.  It's been a way to sort out life and gain love of life again.
 The collage above has to do with gaining a sense of balance, forgiveness of myself and others, rest, and beauty...
 For me, this drawing represents a pregnant pause- I'm not actually pregnant- instead, I think I'm in a pause mode... leading to a different phase of my life.
 I love this stand of birch looking trees- it's amazing how few leaves there are on the trees here- it was only about a week since my last walk, but the beautiful leaves have mostly blown away.
Another path, another journey, and I'm not sure where the curve will lead next.  What paths are you finding yourself on lately?

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Beginning Again

Ms. Willow- of course, she's a feminist, like her Mom.
Blogging was a way I connected to the world, a way I was in a small way- brave.  But, due to some unforeseen circumstances, I withdrew from the blog world for a while and honestly I wasn't sure it was in my best interest to blog.  Several years have passed and I am longing to put some things out there again, so here I am.
Life has a way of asserting itself on you and having you press the pause button. Pause, breathe and re-calibrate.  Sometimes, I still need to pause again and again.  But, I'm jumping in to this process and allowing it to unfold.

One of the remaining daisies

Blue, blue skies

Happy horse
Willow, sweet dog that she is, and I went for another walk on a local trail I think I have photographed so many times you would think I would be bored of it, but I never am.  Since the horse poop event of last week, I was nervous about the horses being out in the pasture, but she was on her best behavior today.
Not Sure Where To Begin is a place where I hope to share art, sociology, writing, nature, the sacred, the profane and the way I look at life with those of you who read this blog.  For many years, I have felt as though I had to follow one thing... one idea, one pursuit, one dream to its fruition no matter what.  What I've learned is it all matters... all of the things you love matter.  I hope you enjoy reading this blog and that it brings some insight, laughter and happiness in to your day.  I look forward to our exchanges. :)